Dear Mr. 9:30-10:00,

I call you a mister because I don't think that a misses would be so mean! Mother Nature is beautiful, so, she, naturally, is a woman, but time goes too fast and is not so patient, your a man.
I really dislike you, no matter the day, no matter how much I have done and how tired I am, I eat, eat like a crazy person!
I love nachos, cinnamon rolls, a bowl of oatmeal, really anything. I have tried an apple or banana, but that does not satisfy you.
You screw up my whole day, I do really, really good and then you come around!
Every night I think I am going to beat you, and then I give in and guess what? You win, and have won for a very long time.
I used to be soooo good, not eating anything after 7:00, and then I fell out of habit, and I fell into your trap.
I have a love/hate relationship really. I love to feel full, but I hate the calories I sleep on every night.
I need to do better AND I will. Starting tonight, because anyone can start on MONDAY, why not start today, Thursday?
Tonight I will conquer! Or, maybe I will just go to bed. Either way, you are so going down!!

Let's switch the topic:
MOTIVATION what is it exactly?
Many people tell me that I motivate them. I was told this in the last 3 places I have lived, is this a good thing or bad? I don't know if I am so crazy addicted to exercise that people just say that to make me feel good, or if I really am motivating them. I just recently moved as a lot of you know, and this has once again been brought up, I have got in touch with some high school friends and they want to run with me, and lose weight, they say they want to work out with me. I was shopping at a grocery store I used to work at and two girls want to run with me, one of them ran a 5k with me, and she said that I "pushed" her and helped her sooo much. (We finished at 28 flat! I wish I would have sprinted the last mile like I normally do, but that is fine, we finished and we felt great. Last week I ran a 25 min 3 miler, it felt so great.)
I need someone to motivate me, to be healthier and to actually count on me to do good and be good with my food choices.
Two of them just ran in with sunglasses and goggles and a hammer, and let's not forget the bandana. My family SHOULD be the most important motivator. I need to get my life in order.
As you can tell, I am still really trying to figure things out. I am getting better though. I got my scale back, and it is good just to have the option of getting on or just letting it collect dust. I still weigh 141, but that is just because of my awesome eating habits. I need to be healthier.

On a much happier note:

HOCKEY has begun! We got Ryker into developmental hockey classes, and he and Hailey are both in ice skating lessons. They do sooooo good. Hailey amazed me, she just got on the ice and went for it, if she were to fall, she just got right back up! Ryker is a little bit more hesitant, but on Tuesday he was skating by himself. He is scared of falling, but he has all the hockey pads, helmet, and gloves on, it's really cute looking. (He really has nothing to be afraid of except for having sooo much on that he can't move if he fell, Ralphie anyone?) He and Hailey have made instant friends at the skating rink, and Ryker has a lot of "hockey buddies."
People are so nice in this hockey family. We were given hockey pads, 2 pairs of skates, and this sweet lady said she has pants, gloves, and a helmet. How nice is that? I am impressed with rough and tough hockey parents and children and young adults. Ryker had an amazing two nights, and Hailey "loves to dance on ice."
We are doing great and hope that spring wants to come soon, oh, how we want be be outside. Mike is starting an insurance business so this week has brought new habits, and new routines, but we are soooo excited for him, and we are happy he is happy.
Sorry if you felt like I am rambling, I just need to figure things out and where I want to be and who I want to be.

Family

I am so grateful that I know that we have forever families and that I have my little family forever. My Uncle Bob passed away on Saturday, from a hard, battle with Cancer. He and his family are so strong, they are seriously boulders, they know that plan, and they are all at peace. I am sad for them, but they are comforting others! They are such a great example of faith, love, and hope, and how a marriage should be. I was talking with my aunt, and expressing if Mike were sick, I hope I could be like her, loving and caring, and serviceable, and forgetting myself, and living without regret. She said that she doesn't have one single regret of their life together or their marriage, wow. I said that I would probably be angry, feeling anxious, and moody, if I had to go through something like that. She said, "Jess, I have never known you to be mad, or moody." If only that were true......
I hope I can learn how to live that life that I am supposed to live. I am sure trying. We had a lesson on Sunday in relief society about Charity. I was telling Mike how charity never ends and never really starts, it's just in us, and he said, is it even there? Yes, it is, but we need to develop it, and it truly is the pure love of Christ. In the lesson also, was a comment that charity begins in the home, with our family. She is a young mother of two and one on the way, and her husband is in his second year of residency! I thought of that Sunday morning, Ryker crying all night long, and I didn't get up a few times, to go and comfort him, and I thought, if it starts in the home, then this morning I am a failure of charity.
Life is getting in more of a routine here, running has started up again, watching what I eat has begun again, well, more portion control, I stop myself when I feel full, and a new weight lifting thing is going on. Is it normal for your neck to get bigger? -total side note- I am trying to live just to live not to live to try to get to that size 6 again. I just need to be comfortable in my size 8 new skin.-or old skin stretched however you look at it- I need to remember I used to be a size 18, and 175, and I delivered Hailey at 215+ I stopped weighing myself 10 days over due, and I went 15 days over due. I delivered Ryker at 145, but, wait, I am almost 145, or at least a month ago I was. So what does this all mean, well, I honestly don't know, but I know it weighs a lot on my heart and nerves. I just want to weigh myself, and make sure it is going down and not going up. What would happen though if it did go up, would I be a different person, I know that I am different than the size 18, 175 girl, she had fun, she was carefree, and outgoing, didn't worry about anything. The mom, wife, sister, daughter, is very different now, and now the road begins to find herself and make some difference in this world, starting in my own little house, along with charity.
Hailey was saying a prayer, and she said Heavenly Father and Jesus, please take care of Uncle Bob like a mom would. Oh, and we are so glad that his Cancer is away, and that he is healthy again. This is why we are to become as children, so caring, honest, sensitive, loving, charitable, and soooooo forgiving.
Tonight I will love my family more, and serve them with a smile. We are so great together, and we have forever to be better.
Off to feed the ducks.
PS: This morning we spent a lot of time in our backyard playing in the snow, Ryker made a snowman with four parts, in a while it fell over, and he laughed and laughed, sooooo cute. I pulled the kiddos on a sled for a long time, that alone is a workout, the best workout ever, hearing laughter is such great medicine. I do hope though, that this was our last snow storm.
We can have fun in the spring too, right?

Fresh start!

new home.
new rules, no food anywhere, the kitchen is where it is made and where it stays.
new eating habits need to start.
new trails for running need to be found.
new driveway to shovel.
new rooms, they love having their own rooms.
new quality of life.
new dreams at night, we all sleep soooo good here.
new friends.
new ward. (same songs, hailey was amazed!)
new garbage day.
new recycle can.
new commute.
new found sunshine.
new beautiful lit buildings at night and in the am, hailey loves to see the lights of buildings, we were in the basement before.
new sunsets in rykers room. he loves to see it every night, and we all watch it together.
new big yard.
new double garage.
new shed.
new.
we miss the old.
miss seeing grandpa, and mikes family.
old neighborhood.
old routines.
old ward, who helped move us, thank you sooo much.
old big door that my jogger could fit through with ease.
former friends, because we are not old, we miss you all.
former running friends, some i didn't even get to say goodbye.
old runs, man, i had those things clocked and timed, with and without jogger.

same old stuff just a new place for all of them to happen and be in. we love our new house and a fresh start. we are excited, and ready for our new life and new adventures. it is great to live so close to my family. love, love, love it!

we had sooo much help with moving out and moving in. thank you to all of you who helped, and gave to our family a lot of your time and back muscles. we love and appreciate everything. we had people come up from orem to help us, yes they traveled....can you even believe that? i am so amazed with the generous people in this world, and i am grateful that they are our lifer friends. i hope i can help them one day, and show them how grateful we are.

i exercised for an hour this morning, with unpacking and everything, haven't had much time for that, hopefully i can make that a new routine. i only exercised two times last week, it was sad for me, i had to tell myself that moving furniture, and unpacking and moving my body all day was still exercise. i was not too convincing, but the treats were, holy cow, too many treats last week. i am trying to be better, i need to. i have had some issues with this section of my life to say the least. i will be better.
fresh start, remember?

What a new post? Are you for real?

We have been busy here:
Christmas was great, and the new year brought new projects to mind, and new goals. Mike is starting a business, and that was number one, to get it rolling and registered. I had my own plans, run faster and longer, eat better, stop buying those yummy junk foods that I always bring home, make my blog private, be a better mom and wife, friend, daughter, de-junk my house and give things away,go to the doctor and get well child checks, me a physical, dentist cleanings, and just have fun with my family....
well...things change right?
We put that all on hold until the beginning of January, and then we started to do things, by going to the dentist and doctor. The kids got shots, Hailey was brave at the dentist, 2 cavities and a baby root canal (?what the heck, I thought I was really good with her brushing, I felt sooo bad) Ryker didn't even let them in, the dentist looked at his smile, and said that he had good enamel. Ryker was really great with Hailey getting dental work, he held her hand and asked if she was okay. It was really cute, he worries soooo much about her.
We almost bought a house, and put it off for reasons that I did not know, it was kind of sad, I really liked it but it was not in the BEST location, and it DIDN'T have a YARD! We passed on it. Mike had put the starting of the business on hold to, for a reason I did not know.
I went to the doctor and got some SAD (but much needed) news....
Apparently I am ADDICTED to running....not in a good way. The doctor said that I am on the verge of an eating disorder. What? I had no clue that eating anything you want and exercising the extra calories was dangerous or naughty. I guess I have had this for awhile. I seriously had no clue. I was told to give my scale to Mike, read Intuitive Eating, only exercise for 5 days for an hour a day, and NOT count calories. I was put on restriction. The doctor asked if I was motivated to get up with my kids if they got up at 5:30 AM, and I said probably not, and then he asked if I would be motivated to go for a run at that time, wow, what an eye opener. When I was training for my marathon, I would not even be able to sleep knowing I was going to get a good run in, in the morning, I would be sooo excited to run, wow, I really needed a fix, didn't I? He then asked me "Why do you think I am doing this?" I said because you are mean, and then I cried. He said, no, I am doing this to save your life, to save your quality of life, and to make sure HAILEY does not do this. A couple of days into this Hailey wanted to weigh herself to see if she is big enough for a booster, and I said we don't have one, wow, the biggest melt down I have ever seen, I guess I need to look in the mirror, it would have been identical for sure.
I felt terrible for the first two weeks, not weighing myself, not running as much as I would like, transforming a two hour workout a day for 6 days, into 5 days for an hour, ONLY AN HOUR, people, I was going crazy. I cried, I was moody, I was sad, I seriously did not know what my purpose was anymore, worst of all, I didn't want to gain the weight back. I know this sounds soooo extreme, but I had to go through these feelings to realize I DO HAVE A PROBLEM.
So, now I run for 30 to 40 minutes, and stretch for 30 or 20 minutes, and I do a longer run on Saturdays. I take Fridays and Sundays, OFF, which is huge for me. If I don't get a workout in, it is missed, but I am okay with this now, that is sooo big for me. I might not fit into my clothes quite yet, but maybe I need new clothes, maybe I was not at my ideal weight. I am still trying to find out.
Then we went up to my mom's for a baptism of a relative. This also helped to regroup from all this weight stuff on a Saturday. We decided to look at some houses for fun, and we found the best house! It was perfect. It is on 1/3 of an acre, in a circle, and it has a rental. (Mikes dream) It is the center of the circle, so big yard (my dream). We thought about it for a long time. Then we found out there was an offer on it, what? we are going to lose this? I thought to myself, do you know how many houses you have looked at, and now you are going to lose this one? We have looked at soooo many nice ones, put offers on too many, and I am sooo sick of the process.
We went up the next weekend also and we looked at it again, I thought no this time, that it wasn't right, we looked at a few others, nothing seemed to be working. (I guess I didn't feel no, but Mike found some things wrong with it this time, and we were just confused, it was the devil, I just know it!) Mike read this, and he said, "I didn't know that you were feeling no at this time," and I really wasn't it was just confusing, and it was just an odd feeling to have.. It was sad, we felt so good about moving at this time in our lives. Anyway, we just didn't do anything. We spent all Saturday and Sunday thinking about it and finally....we became grown ups!
On Monday January 17 we put in an offer against the other offer, on the BEST house with the rental. On Wednesday the 19th they picked OURS!!!! We are moving!!!! Mike has always wanted a rental, and this house will just work out great. It is so close to my family, and closer to Mikes work. The kids will go to school with their cousins, and Hailey will ride a bus, that is her dream.
We will miss living with Grandpa, other relatives, and this ward, everything was so great. We have had a lot of service opportunities and we will miss everyone, we have made some "lifer" friends.
Soooo.......
In the midst of moving...I sliced my finger open, I was grabbing soap in the shower and grabbed my SHAVER, bled for two hours, another doctor visit. He super glued it. It is still healing and man it hurts real bad.
Kids got croup-out of commission for a whole week. I was so tired, and they were sooo sick. Two doctor visits, almost ER visit, for a chest x ray, thought Ryker was getting pneumonia. We decided to wait it out, and they are much better, after a priesthood blessing.
Last night I went in to check on them, and Ryker was no where to be found, I looked everywhere. Then I looked at Hailey, he was in her bed cuddling with her, it was sooo sweet. Then Hailey woke up and said, "What the heck, why is Jack on my freaking pillow!" It was still really sweet. Thank goodness for medicine and breathing treatments to heal these sweet little kids.
Ryker is going through identity crisis:
For a week he was Bumblebee, then Astro Boy and now Jack (from Hook). He makes everyone call him that, he WILL correct you. He says he is Jack who plays sports. He is so sweet and has quite the imagination. Hailey is getting better from her sickness, and she is getting so big. She is quite the helper, loves to clean and loves to help pack. She and Jack are in boosters now, and I just filled out Kindergarten papers, wow! We are excited for changes, and the new life that we will have.
I really feel that everything is for a reason, our new house doesn't have a lot of storage, but that is fine. I think that is why we lived in California, to realize that you don't NEED a lot of room. Happy/great people live in homes without storage, you just do it. We also made "lifer" friends in California, that we consider family. I think I needed to have this addiction, to realize I need to have motivation in my family life, and not just in myself, and improving me. With telling close friends and family a month ago, that I was going through this, amazingly, they already knew. I just needed to find out my own way, it was hard to tell people, I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I let it go sooo far, out of control. Some people were like, ya, hello, I have told you that, or I told you that 4 years ago. Others were surprised like me, and others probably are thinking twice that they have asked me to help train them, or coach them. I hope I can get my life in order, to one day help people and motivate them in the right way and teach them the right way of doing things.
I wanted to share a thought that I heard:
When a new baby comes to this world, they are perfect right, they just came from a very loving Heavenly Father, to everyone they are perfect, their parents, especially grandparents, I think we should let that stick and remember we are perfect to those people still. I know that I should be more gentle with myself.
A HUGE thanks to Mike and the kiddos for going through all these emotions and stages of addiction with me...I know I have been a beast. I sure LOVE you all.
Also, thanks to all the friends and family who support me, in all that I do, and still love me.
Sorry this was soooo long. Thanks for reading, and sharing good news with me.

Private!

We have decided that we are going to go private. Let me know if you want to still view, if anyone is out there!
Thanks Jess and Mike

jumpin' the morning away!

Today we went to Jump on It, the kids had a blast. I was having so much fun too, they have a mommy and me hour, on Wednesday and Friday, too fun. We do home preschool with them, and so I thought, field trip day! The kids had sooo much fun and were so tired after. Then we took it upon ourselves to go shopping and eat lunch with Grandma Nancy. We had a great day, we even watched some holiday movies.
I told Mike that I felt like a real mom today, I had a car and I took my kids places!!! I wish this teacher would have remembered her camera, a real teacher would have. I am still learning.

Today..well, yesterday!

Today we played in the SNOW, we got all dressed up, that alone took ten minutes. Then we went out and played in the snow, went for a walk, and played with some friends. We were on our way home, and we all had a snow ball fight. Rykers' laugh was too cute, and loud, and Haileys' evil laugh, well, it said "watch out". It was a lot of fun, and we should do it every day. Ryker took a nap today, the snow wore him out. He fell down in the snow twice, and it reminded me of "Ralphie on the Christmas Story", it took him a while to figure out how to roll over to get up. I tried to help him, but he didn't want me to. It all ended when Hailey hit Ryker with a snow ball, and it went down his shirt, I don't blame him for crying, really loud.
The kids and I both slept really good, and even slept in!!
I love my kids, and I love my treadmill. I run sooo much and love it, every minute. Speaking of that, no half marathons or marathons this year for me. That is a whole other story, but NEXT year for sure. I am sad about this, I will just have to do 10ks and 5ks. I have picked up kick boxing, wow, that is an amazing workout.
My friend that we visited said, do you have a car yet? I told her that Mike was still fixing the one we bought, and she said that her and her husband were talking about me, and they said that I needed to put chains on my stroller!!! Too funny, but oh, too true.